


everything i wanted

by aceofsparrows



Category: The Dragon Prince (Cartoon)
Genre: Angst, Post-Canon, Songfic, claudia gets a little darker, some plot but mostly introspection
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-11-16
Updated: 2020-11-16
Packaged: 2021-03-10 01:42:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,920
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/27585593
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aceofsparrows/pseuds/aceofsparrows
Summary: When she reaches the Spire again, ingredients in hand, the weight of an elf's life on her conscience, she finds her father sleeping.He looks oddly small, still wearing the torn and bloodied robes he fell from the Pinnacle in months ago. She realises, with a start, that he can no longer protect her. She's the one with the staff now, the one with the power.Viren is nothing but a shattered glass rabbit.* * *Claudia reflects on her childhood, and finds a new purpose after the events of the Storm Spire.
Comments: 2
Kudos: 21





	everything i wanted

**Author's Note:**

> a claudia songfic inspired by “everything i wanted” by billie eilish. 
> 
> tw: mentions of canon character death, and canon violence (nothing worse than canon)

_**I had a dream I got everything I wanted** _

_**Not what you'd think** _

_**And if I'm being honest** _

_**It might've been a nightmare** _

_**To anyone who might care** _

Soren is laughing. Head thrown back, light hair backlit by the noon-day sun. She can’t quite remember what he’s laughing about, but it feels so good to hear him laugh. She laughs too, for once not caring how it looks or sounds. What's so funny? It's on the tip of her tongue...

Everything is perfect. The sky is blue and there's birdsong somewhere in the background. She's been studying her father's primal stone, trying to master that pesky _Aspiro Frigis_ spell he showed her the other day. Soren is sparring with someone, cheering when he lands a critical blow, wooden practice sword clacking familiarly. He's smiling and she's laughing and everything's perfect.

But the edges of her vision are clouding. She goes inside to look for something and everything is so dark... Her eyes should adjust but they don't and she trips over something in the shadows. She tries to cast a light spell, but it fizzles and dies in her palm.

Panic mounts in her chest, clawing at her throat and pressing on her lungs. What was she looking for, again? Somewhere behind her someone is laughing, but it's not a nice laugh anymore, and it drips from mirth into sadness. Now the voice is crying and now she's crying and everything's wrong and the dark is closing in and none of her spells are working and the fear... _oh the fear_... and and and--

She wakes, panting and breathless, heart pounding.

Next to her, her father's chest is still.

She has so much work to do.

_**Thought I could fly** _

_**So I stepped off the Golden** _

_**Nobody cried** _

_**Nobody even noticed** _

_**I** _ _**saw them standing right there** _

_**Kinda thought they might care** _

Sitting in the shadow of the Spire, knees pulled to her chest, she watches them march homeward. Flags waving, cheery chatter carried on the wind; an ember of envy flickers in her chest but she blows it out with a deep sigh. She's taking a break from the spell, trying to get the feeling back in her fingertips and toes, trying not to give into the exhaustion. She hopes, desperately, that it worked this time. If she's honest, she doesn't know what she'll do if it fails again.

The cave is still lit by the weird pulsating light of that... thing... when she returns to check on her father. She lifts him gently, putting his upper body in her lap, whispering the last few pieces of the healing spell, watching his chest with anticipation.

Nothing. Nothing. Nothing. And then-- very slowly, it begins to rise and fall.

She weeps with happiness.

She tries not to think that there's no one here to appreciate her victory.

No one would care anyway.

_**I had a dream I got everything I wanted** _

_**But when I wake up, I see** _

_**You with me** _

She wakes from a light sleep when she feels him move. In an instant she's there, kneeling over him, smiling softly when he finally opens his eyes. Trying not to cry again because it worked. It really worked.

"Dad?" She says carefully. He startles, gasping, eyes wild.

"Wha- how? Where?" His eyes find the crown, bloody and misshapen, discarded nearby. She hasn't bothered to move it; frankly, it unnerves her more than anything else in this whole situation. "I... I survived? How did I survive?" He asks, and Claudia's face falls.

"You didn't," she says carefully, a gentle hand on his jaw. "But... but I brought you back. You're okay. You're okay now, Dad."

There are tears in her eyes. His own widen as he takes in her hair (now half white, a toll of the spell) and the... thing... behind her.

"Wha--?" He starts, and Claudia scoffs.

"Your weird little bug pal? He crawled in there two days ago. I don't know what's going on, Dad, but I don't like it." She frowns, and he sighs.

"Thank you, Claudia. I'm so proud of you."

She hugs him then, though he winces at the impact to his still-delicate ribs.

It's the first time he's told her he's proud of her in a very long time.

_**And you say, "As long as I'm here** _

_**No one can hurt you** _

_**Don't wanna lie here** _

_**But you can learn to** _

_**If I could change** _

_**The way that you see yourself** _

_**You wouldn't wonder why you hear** _

_**They don't deserve you"** _

It’s hours later when he asks about the distraction. Claudia’s sorting through her spell bag, taking note of the inventory she needs to replenish.

“Did you kill him?” Viren asks, and Claudia stills.

“No. There were too many people around; it would have ended badly,” she replies, then goes back to her counting. Three slugs, four beetle husks, two butterflies beating their tiny wings against the walls of their glass jar.

“And your brother?” He prompts, and Claudia swallows.

“When the illusion went after Ezran, Soren was there to defend him. He…” She sits back on her heels, taking a deep breath. “He stabbed you— I mean, the illusion— and said he was doing the right thing. It was…” Her voice breaks on the last word, “… painful.” Tears pool in her eyes against her will (she’s doing a lot of crying these days, and she’s not sure how to feel about that) and she sniffs, dragging a sleeve across her face to wipe them away. “I… I didn’t think he would do that, Dad. Even after everything, that he would— that he would _kill_ you. That he would defend _them_. And I couldn’t stop him…”

Her father opens his arms, and she crawls gratefully into his embrace, curling next to him like she used to when she was small, head on his chest, listening to his (thankfully) steady heartbeat.

“I’m here now, Claudia. And I can promise you, you will never be helpless again. You will never have to choose. I will teach you everything I know, and you will do so many great things. I promise.” He strokes her hair carefully, and she hugs him tighter, sobbing. “I promise, darling. You will have everything.”

_You will have everything…_

_**I tried to scream** _

_**But my head was underwater** _

_**They called me weak** _

_**Like I'm not just somebody's daughter** _

_**Coulda been a nightmare** _

_**But it felt like they were right there** _

They begin training the next day. Viren is still weak enough that he himself cannot do magic, but he walks Claudia through the more advanced spells in the back of her book, critiquing her form and pronunciation as they go. Then he begins on those he’s invented himself, spells he’s perfected from years and years of magical trial and error. They are deeper, darker, and more powerful, and though they leave her fingertips numb and a sour taste in her mouth, she feels more alive than ever.

This is what true power feels like.

At night, the nightmares persist. She tries to forget them in the dawn, just as she tries to forget what life was like before. Forget Soren’s laugh, forget Callum’s smile. Forget Ezran and his jelly tarts, forget her favorite place in the library. She’s not going back, she cannot turn back time. She can only go forward, grab her destiny with both hands and ride it like a dragon.

She is not who she used to be. She is someone better.

_**And it feels like yesterday was a year ago** _

_**But I don't wanna let anybody know** _

_**'Cause everybody wants something from me now** _

_**And I don't wanna let 'em down** _

She’s lost track of the days. Maybe it’s been a month, maybe it’s been two months. Who can say? She trains with her father in the mornings, and studies in the afternoons. They eat when they can, whatever she can find and kill and cook, but it’s never quite enough. At night, she’s too exhausted to do much more than sleep, but even that is fraught. The nightmares linger, and leave her irritable in the daylight.

One morning, she wakes to find her father already awake, scribbling on a stray piece of paper. She pours herself a handful of berries from a jar, eating them idly as she sits next to him.

“What’re you doing?”

“Making a list. You need to replenish your supplies, and you’ll need more than you used to carry for those new spells.” He finishes the word he was writing, then folds the paper. “I’ll stay here and watch the…” They both look toward the strange glowing chrysalis in the corner. It's gotten bigger, somehow. "I'll stay here," he finishes, handing her the list.

"Dad, I can't just leave you here," Claudia protests, faltering. Viren's been unable to withstand or even command anything more than a small illusion since she brought him back. He couldn't defend himself if he were attacked.

"I'll be fine, Claudia," he says firmly, and she bites her lip but doesn't protest further. "Take the staff," he adds when she turns away, shouldering her bag. She looks at him over her shoulder, eyes wide. He smiles. "A proper mage should have the proper tools, don't you think?"

She smiles back. "Of course." She takes the Sun staff from its place against the wall, and for the first time since they saw the Spire from the crest of the hill before the battle, it feels right in her hands.

"I'll be back soon."

"I'll be here."

_**I had a dream I got everything I wanted** _

_**But when I wake up, I see** _

_**You with me** _

Coming across the elf is an accident, though a strangely fortuitous one at that. The fight is long and vicious, but for all her speed and skill, Rayla has less experience fighting Dark mages than Claudia does fighting elves. One blow to the head and she's down, unconscious and quickly bound.

But what to do with her now that Claudia's got her?

During the fight Rayla let slip she'd been looking for Viren. Something about knowing he was out there, somehow alive. She's coming for them, and Claudia certainly can't let that happen. It's odd, though, seeing Rayla on her own. After all, last time she checked Rayla was still with the boys. So either Callum's out there waiting (which seems highly unlikely, considering it's now been hours since they fought, and no one else has shown up) or something happened, and she came alone. It's all so perfect.

Too perfect.

The elf starts to drift back toward consciousness as the sun sets. Claudia is checking her list; she only has a few items left before she's ready to go back. She watches Rayla shift and twitch in her sleep out of the corner of her eye, the elf's four-fingered hands flexing and unflexing in their bindings.

"Callum..." she groans, and Claudia startles, looking sharply down at the Moonshadow girl.

There's a moment of tense silence as Claudia waits to see if she'll say anything else, or, gods forbid, wake up.

"...'s not your fault," Rayla says softly, and Claudia holds her breath. "I had to go. I have to find 'im."

Claudia rolls her eyes, shaking her head and going back to her list. A falling out over Rayla's hunch then, eh? Sounds about right. But then Rayla says something that makes Claudia pause.

"I didn't leave because of you. I love you, Callum."

The piece of charcoal Claudia's holding snaps in her fist, and Claudia curses.

She could kill Rayla now. She could end this all right here, kill her and take what she could from the body and go back and protect her father and whatever's in that cocoon.

But she can't. All because of some stupid little words.

Rayla loves him. Something Claudia might have felt once, and sometimes still wishes she could feel. Sometimes.

She can't kill Rayla.

She cuts the bindings before she can change her mind, casts a cloaking spell, and tries to put as much distance between her and the elf as she can.

It might come back to bite her later, but for now it's all she can do.

She just hopes she stops crying by the time she's back to her father.

_**And you say, "As long as I'm here** _

_**No one can hurt you** _

_**Don't wanna lie here** _

_**But you can learn to** _

_**If I could change** _

_**The way that you see yourself** _

_**You wouldn't wonder why you hear** _

_**They don't deserve you"** _

Her mother left when she was almost eight. Looking back, that whole year had been a mess; Soren had almost died and her father had begun to teach her dark magic in earnest, and her parents had fought almost every night for hours after Claudia and her brother were supposed to be asleep. When Lissa finally did leave, back to her family in Del Bar, it felt empty and wrong. How dare she make them choose? How dare she tell Claudia to stay with her brother, to stay with her family, when Claudia so desperately wanted them all to be a family together?

She'll never forget that morning, two weeks later, when she came to her father's office to ask him about a spell she was having trouble with and found him on the floor. He was crying, something Claudia had never seen him do before, and holding the ear of a little glass rabbit her mother had given him for his birthday two years earlier. It was a small, childish thing, and he'd sworn up and down he didn't care for it, and yet here he was.

Broken, just like the tiny glass rabbit.

That was the year they ate thin soup for dinner almost every night. The year when her father spent almost every moment in the library or in council with the king.

The year Queen Sarai died, and Callum stopped playing with her as much because he had to look after Ezran.

The year things started to sink just a little.

When she reaches the Spire again, ingredients in hand, the weight of an elf's life on her conscience, she finds her father sleeping.

He looks oddly small, still wearing the torn and bloodied robes he fell from the Pinnacle in months ago. She realises, with a start, that he can no longer protect her. She's the one with the staff now, the one with the power.

Viren is nothing but a shattered glass rabbit.

_**If I knew it all then would I do it again?** _

_**Would I do it again?** _

Her first night back, she dreams about the Moon Nexus. About the light of the half-moon, and how it made the tears on Callum's face shine when she told him King Harrow was dead. She dreams about Soren, telling her he would punch anyone who hurt her. She dreams of laughter and tears, friendship and betrayal.

She wakes up feeling like a mess. 

_**If they knew what they said would go straight to my head** _

_**What would they say instead?** _

Three days after she returns, she starts hearing things. Whispers, at the edge of her hearing, like a conversation in the next room you can only sort of understand through a wall. The voices claw at her thoughts, distract her in the middle of tasks. They get louder at night, and she can’t seem to decide if they’re clearer in the cave or outside. 

When she finally hears what they’re saying it’s the same thing over and over again, an endless, insidious loop. 

**_Find the mirror. Find the mirror. Find the mirror. Find the mirror._ **

_What mirror?_ She wonders. And then, all at once, she remembers. 

She knows where to find the mirror. 

_**If I knew it all then would I do it again?** _

_**Would I do it again?** _

She doesn’t trust her father enough to tell him. Doesn’t trust him not to come after her, doesn’t trust him not to tell her to stay. So she leaves while he’s sleeping, when the voices are loudest. There are less of them now, now that she’s started listening to them. They seem to be sharpening, blending together into one voice that she’ll eventually hear as clear as her own. 

She wonders whose voice it is. She wonders how they got into her head in the first place. 

She leaves without so much as a note goodbye, though it hurts a little to just up and go. She takes the staff and her book and her bag, but leaves the jar of butterflies. She doesn’t need them, anyway, and he’ll know what they mean. 

She turns westward, preparing for the long journey ahead. She knows where she’s going, at least, and roughly how to get there. The voices will help her, if nothing else. 

It’s time for a little bit of a homecoming. 

_**If they knew what they said would go straight to my head** _

_**What would they say instead?** _

The storm is vicious, but she pushes through. When she finally turns to look back the way she came, a bolt of lightning cracks across the sky, illuminating the field below her. For a moment she thinks she sees something on the ridge farther off, a figure standing with its arm raised to the sky, scarf flapping in the wind. 

But it’s only a moment, and when the lightning flashes again, the figure is gone. 

Claudia pushes onward. 

**Author's Note:**

> thank you, as always, for your support! kudos are a great way to let me know you enjoyed the fic, and comments are even better!!  
> I'm on tumblr as @mediocre-mage if you'd like to come say hi or listen to me ramble some more about the Dragon Prince. :)


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